i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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