i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
