The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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