I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
