fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
