You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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