Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
