I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
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