I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
