Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
