i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
