found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
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