I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
