So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
