When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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