the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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