I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
