I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
