I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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