Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
