I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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