I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
