You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
