i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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