He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
tequila makes me forget i have legs
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
