Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Randomize
