last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
