weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
My vagina is very pro this idea
Randomize
