Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
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