Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
