I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
