Yo dont text me then not text me
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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