You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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