I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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