Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
