Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
