i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
