...so i touched it.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
