I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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