i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Randomize
