Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
