Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
