Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Randomize
