Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
