I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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