i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
