I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
