my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
