I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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