i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
