omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Just cropdusted the office
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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