Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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