i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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