I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
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how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
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Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
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