Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
