I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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