did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
