my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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